Shaking myself

Pictograms of Olympic sports - Boxing. This is...

Ever get the urge to grab the scruff of your neck and shake the daylights out of yourself?  That me, right now, and it’s irritating the hell out of me.  It’s one thing to be aggravated at the traffic or at your boss or at the kids, but to be aggravated by something you’re doing – a whole different story.

But, let me back up to the beginning of this vicious enemy within.  Since every antagonist needs a name we’ll call it Subconscious, just for the hell of it.

It started a few weeks ago, after the turmoil of moving caused in the usual day-to-day activities, after it calmed down at work from the retreat, and after the realization that my future in the career department depends on action instead of contentment.  (Before anyone panics, my job isn’t in jeopardy and I’m not worried about loosing it.  Instead the concern is that it won’t exist in a year due to it being funded by a grant that ends in, you guessed it, a year).

But it happened before a migraine knocked some sense into me.  Yeah, shocker, a migraine actually made me see the light instead of hiding in the darkness.  Ironic?  Perhaps, but that’s beside the point.

Subconscious, our antagonist, is a sneaky woman.  She’s slick, sly, and likes to wait in the dark recesses of my brain waiting to strike.  Often times, despite being observant of most things, she catches me by surprise.  Usually I don’t mind her though because she has helped me work my way through sticky situations.  Problem solving is her greatest gift and frequently she lends it to me.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I don’t understand the purpose or point of her ramblings or understand why she decided to mess with me in a particular way.  Want an example?  My dreams.  I think she uses them as a medium to screw with my head at night.  The last movie I watch inevitably ends up in my dreams in some weird and twisted way.  Hell, to be honest, I don’t need a movie for those types of dreams.  I once dreamed that I turned into a locket and fought bad guys with the card board roll that toilet paper is rolled around (they were empty though, unused) only to find that their leader was a boy I had a crush on.

Yeah, like I said, freaky.

But okay, sure, I understand we all need to play sometimes.  The temptation to screw with me is addictive I’d bet.  I have some friends who I know will agree with that.  Probably my husband too.  So be it, I can deal.

Then, there are those times, when, for some unknown reason, Subconscious gets it in her head to push and shove me until I’m like: “ARRRRGGGG”.

I mean, really?  REALLY?

*takes a deep breath*

Let me break down the situation for you.  In light of the job situation, I’m trying to stay ahead of the bell curve.  A smart move in my opinion since I know that I have only a year left.  Any reasonable person would do the same right?

I’m a writer, obviously, but I’m also a graphic and web designer.  I’ve been doing the second job for money instead of fun for about 3 years now, or close to it.  I can’t say I’ve seen it all and I still get that thrill at trying to navigate new code, but frankly, I’m starting to be disenchanted by it.  Sorry to say it, feel even worse to think it, but while it is interesting, it doesn’t make me happy.

Based on advice given to me by many, I’m trying to be happy with my chosen source of income.  I’m happy with my family, with my home, with my pets, with myself (mostly, still want to lose weight), but now I want to be the same for my job.  Too much to ask?  I don’t think so, many have done it.

As a result of this decision, I’m researching Freelance Writing.  You know, the non-fiction type that pays sooner and more reliably (in theory) than the agony of fiction writing.  Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on my dream in fiction.  Writing makes me happy and I’m thinking that it’s wise to pursue it.  I’m trying to do the research so I can go forward in confidence, at least with as much confidence as one can manage in a writing career.

Subconscious, the minx, has a different thought entirely.  I get 20 to 30 minutes into researching the nitty-gritty and inevitably I start looking at agents, the writers’ market, my manuscripts and various fiction projects.

*bangs head on keyboard*

I feel the intense urge to write her a note that says something like this:

Dear Subconscious,

Yes, I know that writing fiction is my true passion, but writing is writing right?  STOP GETTING IN THE WAY!

Love, ME.

I keep chipping at the block of the unknown world of freelance writing.  I’m going through my stuff to figure out my portfolio, trying to get in as much time as I can before my mind wanders back to my true love in the writing world resides.  Sometimes I succeed, other times I don’t.  I’ve set a deadline for myself though and hopefully, cross fingers, that sneaky broad will get out of my way long enough to scream “Tally forth!” when it’s time.

want this to work after all.


4 thoughts on “Shaking myself

    • Yep, that’s what I’m trying to do. I start with the fiction, get her satiated then go for the research. Sometimes, if I can tear myself away from the fiction that is 😀

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