I am starting to think that I should add a new category called Head Smack because I keep having them – except this time. Though, to be honest, I’m not sure if this is under the head smacking category or a light bulb revelation. Perhaps after I explain the studio audience (he he) can help me decide which it is.
So here is the situation:
As I have alluded to I am going through a serious life-change that is affecting not only myself but my children. I’m still not comfortable identifying the situation in a single word on the internet. That will wait a few more months, but considering that I know many have probably guessed it may not matter. For those who haven’t…
I’ll give a hint: it’s not physical.
Anyway, in the progress of these drastic changes, I have had doubts. In that I mean my doubts were centered about whether the path I am heading down is the right one. I wouldn’t call it a crisis of faith per say, but I would call it a crisis of self-worth if that makes any sense.
It’s nature, I believe, that when something happens that is a knock against you as a person, you ask questions. “Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Could I have done something different that would have changed or prevented what is going on?”
This list goes on. I’d like to rail against this and try having a tantrum (which sounds fun in a way), but doing so is a waste of effort. You see, I’m a practical person. I was raised that way and to be honest I don’t know how not to be practical. Frivolity is not a strong suit. I can be silly, weird, off-beat, but frivolous is not in my physical make-up. To give an example, I have been wanting to get new decorations for the house since January and I only now bought one piece to add to the house this month…
(With that said, I want to add that I have been busy getting a new job, raising children, organizing and cleaning the house, fixing my car which had a faulty fuel pump, etc.)
Anyway, I am pointing this out to give an example of the type of person I am. I know this about myself. When I take that into consideration, all of my self-realization and understanding of who I am can, in moments of pausing my circling thoughts, make me realize that asking the endless list of questions is borderline … moronic.
But to be fair to myself, it is understandable to doubt when you hear certain words, that they don’t want to try…
Yeah, it’s like that.
For the last three months these doubts have been dancing around in that aforementioned circle. As I go to sleep, on my drive to work. I have gotten to the point where I listen to comedy on my drive to and from work.
Then yesterday, I happened upon some information that made me realize in a blind instant of laughter that if I had continued in the environment I was in I would have continued downward. How far that would have gone, I’m not sure. I’m very fortunate now to realize I’ll never find out.
In truth it wasn’t a single piece of information, it was several bits of information. When truth comes along, pulling away the wool from sheltered eyes, it takes some time for the glare to fade enough to think clearly. As the fog fades and you take stock of what is left.
Learning that what is left is for the best, even better than before. All I want from life is three things is this: To be happy, to have happy and healthy children, and to be a published writer… I’m starting to believe that it’s not so crazy to want those three things after all.
So that is my situation in the vaguest and most indirect way I can think to put it. The question is still this: was my realization a head smack for me or the proverbial light bulb???
Or am I just trying to sort fruit that looks the same into different categories???