Turning Points


I’ve been seeing as of late images with empowering statements like: “God only sends me what I can handle, which means I must be a badass” or some variation of the statement.

I can see why many like to post/re-post the images and it is helpful to have faith that everything that happens is sent to use because we can handle it.  It does precisely what it is supposed to do, empower you to keep going forward.

That’s all well and good, I’ve definitely had to use them a few times myself over the last six months.  I’m not sure I agree with it completely though.  I’ve always felt that all the events in my life, good and bad, are meant to shape me into a person I’m supposed to be.  Whether I can handle it before it hits, I’m not sure it’s a concern to whatever higher power did the sending.

Fate
Fate (Photo credit: Rickydavid)

I guess it’s safe to say that Fate, whatever that may be, is not something I put a ton of stock in.  I think if I did, a lot of the really bad stuff that has happened to me in my past would change in context.  Change to such a degree that I would abandon my faith completely.  I was fated to deal with that?  Really? – No, I don’t even want to believe that.  I can’t.

I also can’t believe that my trials as of late was fated to happen.  Instead, I believe I was ready for it to happen.  Does that make sense?

Since the day I learned I was pregnant with my daughter after several years of trying, in looking back I realized that I didn’t get pregnant until I was ready as an adult and as a mother to be both.  I say that because being both is a tremendous responsibility.  From that point on, I have seen and learned that each turning point in my life that changed it from what was before to a new life happened when I was ready for it…

I just didn’t know I was ready for it when it happened.

Understanding that has helped me a lot over the last six months.  Despite the moments when it felt like my heart/stomach/head was going to burst into a thousand little pieces and break me into a fine powder, I remind myself that it will get better.

That I am ready for this change that will stumble me into a newer and better life.  That my dreams are not dust, but instead stars in the sky.  It’s galvanized me not only to get back into my writing with a new passion, but also to keep taking the steps forward.

Still, knowing and seeing are two very different things.

Over the last six months I’ve kept to myself the source of my trials lately, but now I’m ready to put it into print.  I’m getting a divorce.  After 13 years of marriage, we’ve split and I’m a single mom of two of the most wonderful and amazing children I’ve had the pleasure of knowing.  I’m not just saying that because they are my children, but because of how they have dealt with this situation.  You see, all three of us were taken by surprise by this change in our lives – it literally came out of left field.

And they’ve dealt with it a hell of a lot better than I have.  At least at first – I think I’ve caught up to them, but I may be premature in stating that.

Yesterday, I got into a discussion where it was mentioned a possibility that we may get back together (the ex and me) and my response happened immediately.

“No, it’s not happening.  Ever, not in a million years.”

The speed of my response plus the strength of my voice told me one thing.

Turning point at IITA Ibadan
Turning point at IITA Ibadan (Photo credit: IITA Image Library)

I’m at the turning point of this situation.  I’ve shed all the useless anger, disappointment, hurt, and feelings that was connected to my marriage.  I finally feel that I’m moving forward emotionally and mentally.  Still working on the physical and legal bits of it, but its still progress.  A significant amount of progress.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll still get hit with bouts of feeling lonely and despair at the physical situation I’m in at the moment, but for the most part I think I’m over the worst of it.  I’m trying to move into the next stage of my life, to be ready for the next change in my life that will take me to a new and better me.

 

 

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